Pussycat
by Muthru
Summary: Vodemort wakes up with blond hair. Harry gets a dangerous loveletter. The Death Eaters are playing with thongs. Draco has a Gryffindor to kill and another one to woo. What is going on? Is it the end of the world? Or is it a master plan of Dumbledore´s? An
1. Bartard

Name:** Pussycat**

Author: Muthru

Genre: humor, parody, romance, slash, mystery, adventure, angst, mpreg etc, etc.

Rating: pg-13 - NC 17

Pairing: HP/TR, HP/DM, HP/CW, HP/some random Hufflepuff, HP/SS, SS/LM, SS/RL, RL/SB, SB/JP, GW/NL, SF/DT, HG/RW, LM/TR, TR/some random beach-boy

Summary: Vodemort wakes up with blond hair. Harry gets a dangerous loveletter. The Death Eaters are playing with thongs. Draco has a Gryffindor to kill and another one to woo. What is going on? Is it the end of the world? Or is it a master plan of Dumbledore´s? And who/what the hell is Pussycat?

**Part 1. Bastard**

It was a sunny Monday morning. Birds were singing, butterflies flying and Muggles waisting oxygen in the street. Voldemort called it Hell. He didn't want to get up from his fluffy warm bed. No, not today. He had a bad feeling that something Evil might happen. He had had it the moment he opened his red eyes for the first time around 05.00 am.

But eventually his alarm-clock (Winnie-the-Pooh) started to buzz. There was no reason to stay in his safe bed anymore. So, warily he stood up, slipped his bunnyslippers on and marched to his black tiled bathroom. Humming some old muggle song (Yesterday--) he had heard years ago, he started to get ready for the day. It didn't do to appear with bed-_hair_ to the Death Eaters. You never knew what kind of rumours those bastards spread. Like the time he had heard Lucius being an eunuch. He had of course confronted Malfoy and inquired if the rumour was true and how it was with young Draco.

Lets just say they didn't have any eye contact for two weeks after The Talk. And the funny part was, Lucius saw it necessary to prove the fact that his burrito worked just fine. And the not so funny part was that the escapede cost Voldemort's already thin wallet a new dining-table. He just didn't feel comfortable looking at the old one anymore. You wouldn´t either if you kept seeing Lucius pouting Snape's arse like a wild horse in heat on top of it. (Well, okay, some of us would probably fight for it.)

Well, that was an image you didn't want on your mind this early in the morning. Quite stimulating. But there was no time for a stiffy now. Noup. He would just have to take a cold shower to ease his pain. And maybe wash his hair with this new peach shampoo--. His HAIR?

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL IS THIS STRAW COMING FROM MY HEAD?" Voldemort screeched, bulling _his_ hair.

"Wormtail!" was the command bellowed.

While waiting Peter's arrival, he started to really _look_ at it. He spinned around a couple of times. Tied it to a ponytail, braid and two piggytails. Stood in front of his ventilator and played Titanic and just before Wormtail rushed in, tasted it.

"Me Lord. How may I serve you on this wonderful morning? Some innocent muggle blood maybe?" the plump man asked, playing with his fingers, eyes cast down to the floor.

"You idiot! You know I don't do that until after I´ve had a cup of strong tea into my system… Now make yourself useful for once and tell me if I look cute with the piggytails or if should I go with the J.Lo look," Voldy said innocently, combing his new improved hair.

Peter glanced up.

"Eeeeep!" came Peter's answer before he hit the floor. Voldy just stared at the limp man for a while but then absorbed back to his Care-of-New-Hair, humming a new, more popular muggle song (Oops, I did it again--).

"Are you sure these are his, Malfoy?" Avery inquired as he poked the garment on the table in front of him and a dozen of other Death Eaters watched him do it. They had all gathered around the said garment, ogling and touching it.

"Of course I am sure it's his. I haven't and never will doubt my son. It was fine work from him if I may say so myself," the Malfoy patriarch said, his face expressionless. And that was the closest his son or anyone would get as a praise. Take it or leave it. Period.

"I have to agree with that, Lucius. Your son is indeed developing into a very special young man," Voldemort said as he glided into the room. Lucius whose back was to the Dark Lord, smirked to his fellow Death Eaters but wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion as the others gasped in surprise, their eyes almost popping out of their holes.

"Oh my," Bella chirped and developed a nice Weasley red blush. She went all shy and girly and Lucius didn't know whether he should be scared or horrified.

"Do you like my new hair Bella?" the Dark Lord purred. _Purred,_ Lucius thought franticly as he turned to see what could possibly make Bella weak on her knees.

With his mouth hitting the floor, he openly stared at Voldy. Well not Voldy per say, but the man's new hair. There was only one thing whirling in his mind as he watched his Lord do a couple of spins for them all to see it. _Kill the bastard! Kill HIM!_ Oh yeah, he was jealous, mark my word. There hadn't been and never should be anyone with a hair like his and now _this_. It couldn't be. It had to be a wig, yes that was it.

And with those crazy thoughts in mind, Lucius, without a warning, leaped on top of his Master and started to rip the _wig_ off.

"Arrrrrgggg, somebody get that bloody Blond away from me! You fucking man-ho, get your over manicured hands off of my hair!" Voldy screamed but Lucius was too far gone in his Shalalala-land to hear his Master's 'discomfort'.

"_Striptosa,_" Bella shouted and did a stupid looking wand movement. Yeah, it was idiotic and she would pay dearly for it later but who could blame her, she had now an eyeful of two firm arses.

"Aaaaiiiiiieee, someone save me! The Boy Who Lived, where the hell are you when we need you?" Voldy cried as he tried to save his hair from the savage who, at the moment, was biting his ankle.

"Slinky!" Bella called and few moments later a house elf was standing next to her.

"What can Slinky do for Mr. Bella...I means Mrs. Bella?" Slinky asked, his ears swaying.

"Get me some popcorn, a camera and a bottle of whipped cream!" she ordered hurskly, at the same time watching the hot wrestling that was going on on the persian rug.

"10 galleons that they will do_ it_," Ser_gay_ said, starting a bettingpool.

"20 galleons our Lord will whip his porcelain arse to China and back with a couple of Cruciatus," Severus replied as he walked past the group to get some cookies from the kitchen.


	2. Mysteries, Hugs And Cheap ManWhores

**Part 2. Mysteries, hugs and cheap man-whores.**

This was probably the 46th time someone had stolen his precious panties. And it was getting very annoying to ask some of Hermione's for loan (soon they would both walk naked under their robes and it wasn't even Christmas yet). Apparently Ron was also complaining. He didn't like to be aware of the fact that his girlfriend used the same clothes as his best friend.

"But mate, it's disturbing," he would whine almost every time he heard Harry talking to Hermione about the newest design.

"You say me wearing strings is disturbing? Well how about you moaning in your bed while spraying hot syrup on yourself in the middle of the night?" Harry would ask, smirking a true Malfoy-style.

"Harry!" Ron would scream scandalized, his ears glowing red.

Heh, good old times. But there was no time for those now. He would have to find Hermione and start to plan Save-My-Favorite-Thongs- rescue thingy.

Absorbed in his thoughts, he didn't see the other person coming behind the corner as he marched to the library to find his best friend.

"Umph," came from both of them as they bumped into each other.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there--," Harry said, not looking at the person as he started to get up from the stone floor.

"Harry!" the other voice exclaimed.

As Harry glanced up he saw a familiar red head and a broad smile.

"Charlie! What are you doing here? How's Romania? Is that a tattoo?" Harry breathed it all out in wonder.

"Slow down Harry, I can't keep up with that speed (well actually he could, but Harry wasn't to know that...yet)," Charlie laughed and hugged Harry who was blushing for his ramble.

"Good to see you, Potter. Long time no see," the gorgeous man said as he let Harry breathe again.

"Yeah, hi," Harry said, smiling shyly.

"Have you gone shy on me, Harry?" Charlie asked, fighting against the smile that was threatening to cross his face.

"What! No, no it's not that. It's just--," Harry couldn't do it. No, he couldn't tell Charlie. He would never live down the shame.

"You know you can tell me everything, right Harry? I'm your brother, a _very_ close brother. I promise I won't laugh," Charlie said as he lifted Harry's face with his index finger so he could see _those eyes_.

"Uh, well you see, it's these th--," Harry stammered, rubbing his sweaty hands on the back of his robe. And that was as far as he got before a familiar voice trawled behind them, "Well well well. What do we have here. Potty and his ever so loyal Weasel, oh sorry not Weasel but Weasel's big brother Weasel."

Draco Malfoy smirked as he emerged behind the statue where he had been hidind, making sure no one could harm _his_ Potty. Yes, you heard it right. It didn't matter if Potty didn't know it, it was enough that he did and maybe Granger. That stupid know-it-all-bitch.

"What do you want, Malfoy? Can't you see I'm busy?" Harry asked, his face hard as a rock or Draco's --.

"BUSY! Doing what?" Draco demanded and stepped closer.

"Maybe having a conversation with me, Mr. Malfoy?" Charlie asked, his voice cutting butter. He knew when there was a competitor and damn all Hell and Merlin if he was going to give up _those eyes_.

It was a battle of wills. Charlie-The-Dracontamer-Weasley versus Draconius-The-CuteFerret-Malfoy.

"Eeeh...guys, mmmh, I´ll see you around. I kind of have things to do, thongs to save and girls to date, so mmmh, yeah, bye," Harry said quietly and took of towards the library. He had exactly 20 minutes to find Hermione and run to his first class, which was to his utter disgust potions. He hated Mondays, the days of all Hell and Doom plus Snape's sexy voice. Snape's _sexy_ voice! Harry stopped as soon as the thought had crossed his mind. No, Snape didn't have a sexy voice. It was just the traumatic experience of loosing yet another pair of thongs. _May I present Denial_.

"GIRLS TO DATE?" echoed on Hogwarts walls as the two adonises came to reality.

Harry sprinted down the corridor towarts the library. Find Hermione, save thongs, don't think about Snape's hypothetic sexy voice. Find Hermione, save thongs--. Harry denial-sang in his mind. After he´d crossed the Great hall he saw Hermione walking through the wooden library doors, heading towards the dungeons.

"Hey Hermione, wait up! Hermione!" Harry shouted.

"So you finally got up from bed. Where's Ron?" she asked looking around and waiting for her boyfriend to jump on her from some stupid hiding place.

"Wha--, no, no Ron. Thongs! Sexy voice!" he panted, catching his breath.

"Thongs? Sexy voice?" she asked, her eyebrows vanishing underneath her brown hair.

"Harry, you are not making any sense. Please explain," she said firmly.

Oh, how she hoped Harry hadn't become addicted to the pixie dust again. Last time was bad enough. She would never forget Harry's love letter to Snape. Actually the whole school would never forget it, like they wouldn't forget Harry's firm arse dancing macarena in front of Snape while the man ate his muffin without a blink of an eye.

"My thongs, well mostly yours, have been stolen again!" Harry said dramatically.

"And how, pray tell, did it happen? Hagrid's crazy Monkshorms attacked you during the night, Seamus finally decided to have a go on you or perhaps Malfoy couldn't hide his fetish any longer?" the Headgirl asked tapping her shoe.

"I don't know," Harry said mournfully. Hermione's stare was fiery so Harry decided to turn on his You-Love-This-Puppy-look and finally managed to breake Hermione's ice.

"Oh for the love of Merlin. Where did you last see them?" she asked and started to drag Harry towards the potion class.

"I left them on my locker-room bench while I was showering after a Quidditc practise yesterday and when I got back I didn't remember to put them on and just walked straight up to bed and in the morning they weren't there anymore," Harry ranted as he sat on his seat at the back of the room.

"We have a mystery on our hands, Harry," Hermione said as she opened her book and took her notes from her bag.

"So you will help me save them?" Harry asked hopefully.

"'Course I will, it's been boring without an adventure for a year. It's our last year in Hogwarts, Harry, and I don't care if it's going to be a thong-rescue thing or something as stupid as that. I need action," she said and got that Evil-glint on her eyes.

"Yay!" Harry shouted.

"If I was a rich man, nanananananananaaa--," Severus hummed as he skipped towards his first lesson of the day. Seventh year Gryffindor/Slytherin. He slammed the door open and marched towards his table. The students who had by now shut their hell holes waited him to start lecture about the day´s potion.

"Does any of you unworthy flobberworms know where I can find a fine, flexible man-ho to satisfy my mighty cock's need of sexual stimulation with 74 galleons?" Severus Snape, every students pain in the arse, dungeon terror, ex-Death Eater, Bumblebee's spy, asked his sevent-year students like he was inquiring the day´s weather.

The class was absolutely silent, until…

"Well Professor, on Friday evenings there is this Mr. Mine-Is-Bigger-Then-Yours patrolling in the streets of Hogsmaede," Seamus Finnigan said a little reservedly. "I heard he can make you scream like Lucius Malfoy in Ferris wheel," he said and got a couple of giggles from the Gryffindors and one tearful face from the Slytherins - Draco Malfoy didn't like when the other kiddies taunted his daddy's fobia.


	3. I'm meant to love you

**A/N:** Hello again my dear readers(all five of you). Little thanks for you all...

**ShatteredxDream:** Disturbing? Oh you just wait and see what the rest will be!

**Chocola:** Thanks:)

**Henrietta-Black van der Snape: **I know!

**Ebony Moonlight:** Glad you liked.

**13x:** I hope you will survive long enough to read the rest;)

**A/N 2:** Because of the release of HBP I thought I would mention that there is **no** spoilers in this fic and there will never be. There will be things about OotP though...BUT keep reanding...part four needs to betaed and then--

**Part 3. I'm meant to love_ you_**.

Lucius sulked. His lower lip shivered. He had a black eye and his hair was ruffled. He was ugly. And his Lord wouldn't even let him go and fresh himself. No, as a punishment for his earlier madness he had been ordered to sit quietly and drink his mango tea.

'So, my Lord, let me get this right,' Avery stated. 'When you woke up this morning the hair was just there?'

'Yes, and isn't it beautiful?' Voldemort beamed.

'And you don't know about any Veela blood in your family?' the same man listed.

'No, of course not. I'm_ not_ some half-breed creature. How dare you even suggest something like that, you bitch. Crucio!' Voldy roared.

'O-o-okey, so no Veela blood. Well, I think we should just let the hair be. Maybe the mystery will be solved someday, for now I suggest we proceed to talk about more important matters, like these black lace thongs Malfoy's son delivered to us,' he said.

'Why on earth are you holding some dirty underwear Avery?' Voldemort asked as he sipped his tea.

'If I may say a word, I could probably explain the situation,' Lucius sniffed from the back of the room.

Voldemort turned his head slowly towards the other man. 'Make it fast then,' he sneered and combed his hair with his fingers.

Lucius was breathing through his nose so hard it could probably be heard down to the kitchen where Severus was raiding a cookie jar. That arrogant shit head. 'Well, my son stealed them from Harry Potter,' he said proudly standing up from his chair and taking a couple of hesitant steps back to his Lord's good grace.

'Again, may I ask why those are on my _new_ dining table?' Voldy huffled pointing at the table where his enemy's thongs now lay.

'I believe them to possess some magical powers we can only dream of,' Lucius said in a conspiracy-voice.

'Oh really,' Voldy smiled enthusiastically.

'Yes, I believe we could finally destroy that disturbingly gay boy by evoking this Demon called Pussycat. We, of course, need Snape's help to make the needed potion,' he explained.

'Well, it might work,' the Dark Lord pondered aloud.

'Of course it will work, it was my idea,' Lucius said and was now almost in his Lord's lap.

'Hhhmm, let me have a look at them and then we shall see if your idea has any potential, Lucius,' Voldy said as he reached towards the garment while petting Lucius' head in an approving manner.

It was good to be back in his Lord's acceptance, Lucius thought as he curled into his Lord's warm embrace.

Lord Voldemort snatched the soft thongs with his spider fingers and brought them closer to his face. MISTAKE! His 13th sense was screaming but he had totally forgotten his earlier feelings about something Evil. So, when the thongs were right under his nose he smelled_ it_. The sweet smell. The green apple. The salty sea and thelemon. He had never felt like this before. Not ever. He felt like wanking in front of everyone. He felt like heaven had come to earth or hell had just frozen.

'MATE!' he screamed and dumped Lucius onto the hard floor.

'What has gotten into him?' Bella asked as they all backed away from the mad glint that was evident in Tommy boy's eyes.

'I think we shouldn't have abandoned the Veela issue so hastening,' Wormtail piped up behind the chair where he was hiding.

'MATE, MATE, MATE, MATE, MATE, MATE,' Voldy sing-songet dancing the famous macarena dance.

'What on earth is going on in here? I leave you for a couple of hours so I can teach those idiots, and what do I find when I come back to have my lunch? A circus!' Severus Snape shouted from the door brushing some innocent cookie crumbs off his robes.

'Shut your mouth, Snape! We just found out that our Lord is a Veela and Harry Potter _is_ his mate,' Lucius almost cried. He felt so deceived. First Severus with his cheap man-hos and now Potter was going to take his man! Life was so hard on our favorite Malfoy.

'Dear Merlin. And I thought Dumbledore had lost it. Well, sorry to leave you to deal with_ him_ but I just lost my appetite,' Severus said and turned to leave.

'No, wait! You can't leave us with... with that,' Bella said and pointed at her Lord who had by now started to wrap flowers trying to make them look like a crown.

Severus stared the man and then turned his eyes to the rest of the Death Eaters.

'You have two months to make Potter accept the situation and bond with our Mastermind. If you don't make it by then, he (Severus pointed at his Lord) will die. The Veela spirit inside of him will go mad and poison "the human" carrying it,' Severus said in his lecture voice, the sexy one.

'Well, it can't be that hard. We will just have to bribe, force, cheat or poison him to do it,' Ser_gay_ said happily.

'I'm working with idiots!' Severus muttered. 'No, none of those will work. One, Potter has enough money to buy France. Two, he's the Boy-Who-Turned-To-Be-Disturbingly-Gay and will probably kill you before you can even say "Dumble sucks". Three, you are too stupid to even try to cheat. And four, Dumbledore is watching me too closely, there is no way I can poison him. At the moment your best chance is to start to woo the boy to save our Master from madness.'

'But, but what can we do?' Avery asked face white as a chalk.

'You need to make him the Wizarding World's most desirable bachelor,' Severus said, turned and left to tell Albus the hilarious news.


	4. I’m your man and you know I can

**A/N:** Heh heh heee...eh...sorry you had to wait so long for this update...been busy writing more and READING your reviews. So HUGE thanks to all my readers...love you...this next chappie is a slight song-fic but nothing major...please keep reading and reviewing.

Warning: This fic is getting insane in a funny way:)

**Part 4. I'm your man and you know I can--. Barry White.**

"So, you are saying that this year's adventure will be saving your thongs?" Ron asked as the trio walked down to breakfast the next morning.

"Yep," Harry said happily.

"But mate, that's disturbing," the red head whined, and the two other teens decided to ignore him.

"Hhhmm bacon," Ron murmured as soon as he had sat on the table.

It didn't take long for all of them to be absorbed in their own things. Hermione was scribbling something that Harry couldn't quite see (but hoped it to be the thong-resque plan), Neville and Ginny were on it and Harry himself was peering at the teacher's table. Not ogling Snape's washed sexy hair or anything like that, noup, but just resting his eyes on something else than Ron's big-style-eating.

Just when Harry was about to take his second roll the hall filled with owls.

"Finally me mom remembered," Harry heard Seamus utter, his mouth full of toast.

"What did you get?" Ron asked trying to catch Pigwidgeon who was chirping loudly above his head.

"Uh, nothing much," Seamus said quietly and dared a glance at Dean who was blushing for who knows why.

"Oi Harry, you got a letter! Who's owl is that? I haven't seen it before," said Ron, who had finally managed to get his mail, and pointed at the owl who was sitting on top of the milk can in front of Harry, glaring them all with it's beady eyes.

"I dunno Ron. Maybe Remus has bought a new one?" Harry guessed as he reached towards the owl who unwillingly stretched out it's leg.

"That's a good owl," Harry goo-ed.

"Well, what's in it, Harry?" asked Ginny, who had decided to join them.

"Maybe you shouldn't Harry. It could be dangerous," Hermione said watching the letter closely.

"But 'Mione, I thought we would have an adventure this year?" Harry quietly pounted.

The Gryffindors who were near enough to hear this moved a little closer. After all, things had gotten a bit boring after their fifth year so they would take any change they got to have an adventure.

"What is this talk about adventure? Ron, I'm your sister - why the hell haven't you told me?" Ginny ranted and poked his brother.

The Golden trio sat silently, not wanting to endanger their friends. It had been bad enough the last time when they had stormed into the Ministry of Magic to save Sirius.

"The Pilgon´s mating season has just started. It's a good time to have a Cnaphat," came a dreamy voice behind them. Luna Lovegood.

"Oh, hi Luna. How are you?" Harry said smiling, trying to lead the conversation on to safer waters.

"Just tell us what is going on and then open the dangerous letter. I can't take this ordinary life anymore," Ginny urged the trio.

"Fine, but if something happens to you I'm gonna tell on you," Hermione said crossing her arms.

Without further nagging, Harry started to explane how his thongs were disappearing all the time and how they had decided to make their lives interesting again by getting on with this stupid resque thingy.

When the explanation was done, Harry started to open the letter. He looked around the mob gathering around him; Ginny, Luna, Neville, Seamus, Dean, Ron and of course Hermione were all holding their breathes.

He slipped his index finger between the paper and ripped the envelope. The air was suddenly filled with the scent of roses, bananas and…rain? And then there was music.

_**I **know how to **love you** _

_I know how to do it to you _

_**I** know how to make you **feel** like **you** wanna feel _

_But I can't lose what I used _

The song started slowly and then got louder. And then_ the_ voice. It was nothing compared to Snape's but--.

"Barry White!" Harry screamed happily. A broad smile was shining on his face as he started to sing quietely along.

_**I**'m qualified to **satisfy you** _

_Anyway you want me to _

_Qualified to satisfy you _

_Anyway you want me to _

"Hey, can you hear the emphasize on some words or letters?" Hermione asked while listening closely to the song from the letter.

"Yeah, now when you mention it, I do," Dean said and looked at Harry who was way far in his Lalala-land. That disturbingly gay boy had fallen in love with the letter's senter. Berry White had apparently some powerful talents to make school boys melt into budding.

_Qualifie**d** t**o** s**a**ti**s**fy you _

_Anyway you want me to _

_**I**'m qualified to **sa**tisf**y** you _

_Anyway **you want me** to _

_Some times **you **need **lov**in**'** _

_**M**orning, noon and night _

_Mak**e**s no difference when it is _

_My darling, it's alright_

By now the the entire hall was looking at the Gryffindor table, where Harry Potter was all but in love. Some were laughing at the silly scene, some were a bit puzzled. But two persons, one sitting at the teacher's table and the other on Slytherin, were murdereously jealous. They were both sure that the other had sent the stupid letter and were now glaring at each other.

Albus Dumbledore was having fun. Everything was going just like a glove (as Ace Ventura would put it).

I'm your man and you know **I can**

**Make** you feel the way you want to

Just tell me whatever **you** need

And that's what I'm gonna do

I'm qualifie**d** t**o** s**a**ti**s**fy you

Anyway you want me to

Qual**i**fied to **sa**tisf**y** you

A**n**yway y**o**u **w**ant me to

I'm qualified to satisfy** you**

Anyway you **want me** to

I'm qualified to satisfy you

A**n**yway y**o**u **w**ant me to

_What kind of idiots are they?_ Snape tought as he snickered into his muffin. _Trying to hypnotize the boy? That isn't willing you worms!_ He almost laughed aloud.

_**When i**t **come**s to lov**i**n' you _

_No one could love you more _

_**Th**ere's no contest, **I** k**n**ow I'm the best _

'_Cause you're all I'm livin' for _

_I'm your man and you **k**n**o**w I ca**n** _

_Make you fee**l** the wa**y** **you** want to_

"Oh my god! Burn the letter," Hermione suddenly yelled.

"Why? I think the song is nice, even if it's muggle," Ginny said confused.

"Take it off of his hands!" Hermione screeched and tried to leap over the table to snatch it.

"Hermione, calm down, it's just Barry White," Dean tried to soothe the furious girl.

"Don't you get it? It's manipulating Harry by the emphasized words!" She yelled and pointed the letter of Doom.

There was a pause so short no one even knew it was there before Harry's friends attacked the poor boy.

"_Incendio_," Neville pointed his wand at the letter which was now on the table.

The flames of Hell did their job. The Evil letter was blasted.

"Guys this just got a lot more dangerous thong-saving-mission then it was before," Ron said holding Harry who was trying to save his letter.

"No, no no...Barryyy," he wailed.

"Ten points to Griffindor for job well done," someone from the Slytherin table shouted.

"Malfoy?" Ginny asked swooing a little.

"Yes Weasel-woman, it's me. Now shut up and take Potty to hospital wing," Draco said maturely, taking his Prefect job _very_ seriously at the moment.

"_Petrificus Totalus,_" Neville said and whirled his wand _again_ so that Harry couldn´t move.

"Let´s take him to Madam Pomfrey," Hermione said watching his poor little Harry.

"I will accompany you there. It's on my way anyway," Charlie said as he reached the younger Lions.

"Charlie? What are you doing here?" Ginny screamed as she jumped at her older brother.

"Albus asked if I was interested in teaching Care of Magical Creatures this year because of Hagrid's death last spring, and I said yes." His smile faded as he saw Harry's stiff body.

They were all about to leave when a voice interrupted them.

"I'm sorry to bother you _Professor_ Weasley, but the Headmaster has asked me to show you around now when you have taken Hagrid's place as a teacher. Would you please fallow me." Draco Malfoy leered, his eyes glowing triumph. _You can think again if I let you be alone with Potty ever again. I don't care if I have to spend the time with you myself. He is MINE_, Droco thought forcefully trying to teleport them to the now snarling man.

"Thank you for your consern Mr. Malfoy but I think I manage myself," Charlie said and took a couple of steps towards the doors.

"I'm sure you can but the headmaster _insisted_," Draco said nodding towards Albus whose eyes were twinkling madly.

"Oh fine. Let´s go then," the dragontamer finally said and started to march out of the hall. His robes were billowing behind him.

"Did I just sense some rivalry between the two of them?" Seamus asked as he carried Harry with Ron.

"Yes," they all choired.

"Did you find out who sent it?" Harry asked between chocolate bites.

The gang was gathered around his bed at the hospital wing. They had been there all day making sure there wouldn't be any other surprises.

"No. There wasn't any Dark magic or personal aura signature. We have nothing Harry," Hermione said sadly.

"It's okay. We´ll figure it out eventually," Harry smiled gently.

They were suddenly interrupted when there were loud voices shouting in the corridor.

A couple of minutes lates the door slammed open and two figures limped in. Madam Pomfrey was with them in an instant.

"What on earth happened to you Mr. Malfoy and Weasley? You look like you have been living under a rock for the last decade," she fussed and steered them to the nearest beds which were on both sides of Harry's.

"The Whomping Willow mauled us," came from Draco at the same time as,

"The Centaurs were hungry," came from Charlie.

"Is that so?" Pomfrey asked, her arms crossed and lips pursed in a thin line.

Both of them were silent, obviously not going to tell her the truth any time close. They just lied there blood on their faces, pants ripped and muddy.

"Fine. FINE. Be that way. You can explane yourself to the Headmaster then, see if I care," she shouted and marched to the potion cabinet to get something for their pain.

"2 galleons for Harry and my brother," Ginny whispered to Hermione who stared at the younger girl, clearly not believing her own eyes.

"Never! 4 galleons for Harry and Malfoy," she said counting her money at same time.

"What are you whispering about," Ron asked as he moved closer to hear the two mysterious girls.

"Nothing," they both said smiling sweetly.

**A/N**: The next chapter...Mahahahahahaaaa...did you really think I would give it away?...Evil laugh


	5. 74 galleons can't buy you love but

**A/N:** I'm baaa-ack:D Thank you **all **readers for your reviews..LOVE you! And you too Satine for betaing this:)

On whit the show...

**Part 5. 74 galleons can't buy you love but amasing sex can **

He was ready to face the cold world. He had been collecting the money for months now. Severus Snape was about to go to Hogsmeade and get _some_ from that man (Mr.Mine-Is-Bigger-Than-Yours) Finnigan had recommended. He was slightly nervous. He had never been with any other man than Lucius. He wasn't even sure if he should wear leather pants or his usual black robe. Finally, after some thinking he decided that the leather pants were just fine (he didn't want to appear to be one of those workaholics).

Walking towards the village Severus absent-mindedly brushed his newly washed ebony black hair, wondering if he should wash it more often. It felt amazing.

"Oh, hello there Professor! What can I get you?" Madam Rosmerta asked as he entered the In. Looking around trying to find a table he answered: "The usual, please."

"One minute," she said bearing dirty glasses along her way. Severus nodded and headed towards a small table next to the window.

What was he thinking? Severus suddenly panicked as he looked out of the window. Coming here to find a man-ho! Had he gone mad? No, admit it homie, you are just horny and angry at Lucius. This is partly your revenge mission--.

"Here you go dear. Anything else?" the woman asked smiling after she placed the pint in front of him. Severus just watched her. He was so fed up with that smile and flirting. In his opinion she should just stop those cheesy attemps she had on him or just go and get a sex-change potion. There was no way he would ever touch those jelly -- thingys. No, never.

When the woman had finally left, he let himself relax a little. There was no point finding the man and then being too nervous to even get it up.

After a couple of hours a gloomy Severus finally made his way out of the pub. He wrapped his cape around himself as he stepped out to the street, the cold autumn wind hitting him like Granger if you irritated her too much.

As he walked to the edge of the town looking for Mr.Mine-Is-Bigger-Then-Yours, Severus didn't notice the dark shadow fallowing him. CONSTANT VIGILANCE. He kicked some pebbles along the way and finally looked around when he reached the Shrieking Shack

"Are you looking for company?" a voice suddenly asked, which made Snape turn around so fast he faltered and hit the ground.

"Who are you?" Severus asked, his face shadowed by his hair.

"I don't give my real name to anyone, sorry," the hooded face said and took a step closer to Severus who had by now stood up and started to dust himself.

"Then you are the one, the one who does--," Severus stated still keeping his face hidden.

"Yes, I do perform certain acts. Are you interested or just having a late night walk?" There was amusement in the stangers voice now that started to sound very familiar to Severus. There was a certain way he pronounced some letters and his voice had this richness Severus was sure he was familiar with.

"Where?" Severus finally muttered.

"The Shack has a bed, it's dusty but comfortable," the other man said walking towards Severus who swallowed loudly.

"Who are you? Please let me see your face," the stranger said reaching to brush the ebony hair behind the Potion Master's ear. Their eyes met.

SHOCK!

"Severus?"

"Lupin?"

They both choked out each others name at the same time.

"Severus, what are you doing here? No, don't answer that," Remus Lupin stammered. His amber eyes were full of questions.

"I...I...I was, you see, Mr.Mine-Is-Bigger...I have been saving and...Lucius...fuck!" Severus muttered and started to walk away from the werewolf. That fucking sexy werewolf. Why did it have to be him?

"No, Severus wait up," Lupin shouted running to the fleeting man, taking hold of his upper arm.

"What do you want Lupin? Haven´t you done enough humiliating today? Do you need a stament too?" Severus screamed trying to free himself from the wolf's grip.

"No Severus. It´s nothing like that, I--," Remus Lupin started.

"Let go of me werewolf! Yes, I was looking for a fuck. Yes, I was looking for a man-ho, who apparently is you and yes I'm _needy_. Happy now?" Severus shrieked.

Remus, who had been listening Severus Snape´s loud rant, finally made his move. He grabbed the slightly trembling man with his both hands and kissed him to the lips.

Taking Severus by surprise he licked the other man's thin lips begging for entry which he was reluctantly granted.

This was totally new terrotory for Severus. When he and Lucius were kissing, secretly behind Narcissa's back of course, it was never like this. It was always fast, slobby and dirty. Never did it feel like smooth velvet running wildly in his mouth. It was Lupin, but what the hell. He would just use the Memory Charm in the morning. No harm done.

"Hhhmmm, my my Severus. Is that your wand poking out or are you just happy to see me?" Remus asked, a grin spreading from ear to ear, as their lips parted.

"You know Lupin that that is the worst pick-up-line there has ever been, right?" Severus smirked as he backed away from Remus' warm body.

"It wasn't a pick up line," a flushtered Remus said. "I marely stated what my eyes saw, my hip felt and my nose smelt."

After that there was an awkward silence hanging above them. Remus fumbled with his hood and Severus tried to look anything else but Remus. Well, it wasn't every day you ended up kissing your school time rival. _Give them a break!_

"So how's work? Is Harry doing okey? I haven't written him for a while. Any new Death Eaters in school?" Remus ranted trying to have a conversation.

"Hate it. Turned to be disturbingly gay. Not to my knowledge," Severus answered dully. This evening wasn't apparently going to go anywere, not that he wanted it to go anywere. Well he did but you didn't hear that. _Yes we did!_

"Why are you doing this, Lupin? I though Black left you some money to spend?" Severus asked, trying to lead the conversation away from himself. _So modest._

"Yes, Sirius did leave his money to be shared between me and Harry. There have just been some issues that...hhhmm..uh...oh never mind. You want it or not?" Remus finally breathed out bluntly as he watched Severus from the corner of his eye.

"What about you and Black? Weren't you two an item?" Severus once again tried. _Just take him!_ Remus laughed bitterly after hearing this. "Yes, Sirius and I were lovers, once. We started to see each other in our sixth year. Do you remember?" he asked as he took Severus' slim hand onto his own, slightly hard and worn one, starting to lead them towards the shabby building. Severus was following him grumply. _More like running._

"How could I not remember? Black was the happiest man on earth and the girls had the rumour mill going on for weeks," the Potion Master sneered at the memory.

"Yes, he...we were happy then and continued to be until Sirius got locked up in Azkaban. We of course got back together when he broke loose and were yet again happy, until he fell," Remus had by now lead Severus to the broken steps of the Shack.

"What happened, Lupin? Why are you whoring yourself? Severus asked, curious as he was. Not that he minded, he was gonna get some, he was gonna get --

Remus was quiet for a while as he lead the other man into the building and on to the second floor – into a room Severus could remember quite clearly. It was the same dusty room Potter had attacked him four years ago. _Hhhmmm Potter._

"James Adam Corin Keith Albert Samuel Simon Potter happened," Lupin's icy voice finally said as he shut the bedroom's door. Severus raised his left eyebrown at this. How was it possible that Lupin would speak in that tone about his death friend?

"What would you like me to do, Severus?" Lupin´s voice suddenly asked behind Snape's ear. Severus took a deep breath and drew his wallet out of his inner pocket.

"What´s your price?" Severus asked while counting his 74 galleons. He didn't see the other man smiling slightly.

"10 galleons for spanking, 20 for a handjob, 50 for a blow and 100 for all you can ask for," Remus answered his voice getting deeper and deeper every passing minute. Severus watched the werewolf walk over to the bed. Damn, and he had tought he had enaugh money. Well, maybe next time, Severus though sadly. _Now now dear, don't give up hope yet._

"But for you Severus, I will give everything for only 74 galleons," Remus murmured while unbuttoning his vest.

"That sounds reasonable, Lupin," Severus answered, just barely resisting the urge to do a little victory dance with tiny little hip movements he´d been practising the summer before. He couldn't believe his luck. _Neither can I Severus, neather can I._

Remus smiled at the other man and cast his vest to the floor keeping his eyes on Severus the whole time while doing so.

"You know that the whole fucking would be more pleasurable if you took your clothes off, Severus," Remus said huskily as he walked towards Severus with his hips swaying.

When the werewolf finally reached his prey he grabbed Snape from the front of his jacked and hurled him into the bed and then jumped on top of him. Kissing Severus' ear, chin and everything else he could reach, he made his way downwards Severus neck, until his lips came to their stop. Panting Severus glanced at the amber-eyed man. Remus smirked and bent to kiss him. His hands were roaming Severus' chest, tracing his shirt buttons until he ripped it open and buttons were bouncing all over the floor.

"That was an expensive shirt, Lupin," Severus choked out while Remus sucked his left nipple with his warm mouth.

"We will just have to cut the price from my fee then, won't we?" he whispered tracing wet kisses along the man's pelvis, his fingers trailing Severus' waistline under the leather pants.

"Hmmmm," Severus hummed enjoying the feeling. He was in heaven. His partner's fingers were opening his zipper and Lupin's nose was running lighty along his inner thigh causing shivers sail through his already aroused body.

"Lupin, _please_," Severus pleaded, his back arching as the other man licked him just _there_.

"Not yet Severus. Not yet. I still have to come inside you and fuck your brains out," Remus whispered and smiled at the dreamy look that crossed Severus' face. He finally removed the leather pants that had been strangled in the now moning man's angles. When Severus' legs were freed he immediately spreaded them like a wanton slut.

Taking the lubricant under the pillow (How the hell had it ended up there?) Remus started to work his fingers inside his _customer_. First one then two and finally three.

"You fucking arsehole, quit playing with me and shoot in! I'm no virgin Maria for Merlin's sake!" Severus yelled ripping his shirt and jacket off. He needed to touch the other man. He needed to _come_, dammit!

Remus lifted Severus' hips and placed a chewed pillow under the man's body.

"Soon my precious Severus, soon," Remus said and started to push in. _Gollum, gollum_.

"What animal are you?" Severus suddenly asked locking his eyes with Remus who was already half way in.

"Huh?" the _ex_-Professor asked as he settled into a more comfortable position.

"Lucius is a horse. What are you?" Severus insisted still out of his mind. _Did you take your pils today hon, hmm?_

"I'm a werewolf," Lupin said and slammed in all the way.

Severus screamed, convulsing his back into a beautiful arch at the same time.

"You like that?" Remus whispered into his ear.

"No...NO..," Severus managed to say (Damn you fool, don't stutter in front of him!) No, he certainly didn't like that. He didn't pay exactly 74 galleons for getting raped. _Been a long time, hasn't it, my little virgin snake?_

"No? Well then tell me Severus, what do _you_ want", the ever so gentle voice asked. The body not moving an inch. Just waiting. Promising to do it his way.

Could he say it? Would the other man laugh? _No, he won´t but the rest of us will_. What if his students found out? Or Minerva?

"I'm a bunny," Severus finally said shyly, not meeting the amber eyes he knew were watching him.

Without questioning Remus started to move very gentle, kissing Severus' neck, letting his hands caress his tights. Making him feel loved. _Well as loved as you can feel when you are doing it with a man-ho._

"Do you want me to hop too or is this acceptable?" Remus gasped minutes later fighting his orgasm.

**A/N:** Who quessed it was Remy?


	6. Gimme a kiss pretty boy

**A/N:** Thank you kyer and SesshouMaru-sama's Rin:). And myfaithful beta Satine:D

**Part 6. Gimme a kiss pretty boy**

The last time we visited (a week ago) the Death Eaters and their Master we left them to deal with the schizophrenic Veela themselves. Now let´s step into the house again to see if they are all still alive.

"Master, please, let me cut your hair!" Bella shouted while running behind the fleeing Veela.

"Get those fucking ssscissorsss away from me! You are not touching my curlssss, you Bitch!" The DARK Lord screamed as he disappeared into the kitchens. "Ssssave me, Slinky!"

"I've got the Chip'n dale dancers!" Lucius shouted from the sitting room where he had 10 stupefied men lying on the floor wearing nothing but red g-thongs.

"Oh goody," Avery said clapping his hands together as he stepped into the room with Ser_gay_ who had a lapful of red roses.

"Hey, their thong colour matches with the roses," Ser_gay_ pointed out eagerly after he had set the flowers down to the table.

"Of course they do. And if you knew how to use your brains you might also notice that the colour is exactly the same as the Gryffindor crest," Lucius said proudly.

"Show-off," Ser_gay_ muttered while checking the men's conditions.

"How far did you have to go to get them?" Avery asked while nursing a class of vodka.

"They are from America, New York's finest elite. And the only group in the world who wears red thongs," Lucius said, pouring himself a class of Coca-Cola, long live America.

"Didn't the idea of kidnapping some random men and buying them all the same coloured panties ever cross your mind, Lucius?" Severus smirked from the door.

Lucius' face fell. No, he handn't thought about that. Damned Snape and his black hair! He himself had blond hair which lead immediately to stupidity. _Poor Barbie._

"Arrrrrrrrrg," Voldy screamed as he sprinted past the sitting area, with Bella hot on his heels.

"We have to do something about his not wanting to look more human-like," Severus said.

"Potter won't look twice at him if he keeps those red eyes, spiderhands, messy hair, white face and vampire teeth," Lucius agreed (silently dreaming of Voldy's fine qualities). _Every Barbie wants her own Ken._

"We can work on that later. Now we should make a plan to send these pretty boys to Potty-head and make sure they do their job," Ser_gay_ said while feeling the dancer's arse-firmness. It didn't do to send loose flesh to a young boy. Noup. Zip. Nada.

"Snape, do you have the potion, the one that is similar to the Imperio?" Lucius asked.

"Of course I do, just tell me when and where," he answered.

"Now would be nice if you could, please," Lucius said as he pointed his wand towards the men and muttered: "_Enervarte"._

The said naked men rose up rubbing their eyes. When they were finally awake enough they all jumped up and started to scream.

The Death Eaters just watched the men that were now running aroud the room.

"Lucius, put them down. It will be more easy to give them the potion that way," Severus said while measuring the drug.

"_Stupefy_," Lucius said, whirling his wand in every direction. The naked men hit the ground and Severus started his work. He poured a small amount of the potion in every man's mouth while the rest of the Death Eaters levitated them to the gift box.

While the Death Eaters worked with the strippers on the second floor the Dark Lord had hid in the dungeons. It had been a long day for Tom. So to relieve some stress he took out his sewing bag and laid its contents onto the hard and cold stone floor.

"Now letss see where my inssstruction-book for voodoo puppetsss isss," Voldy mused as he fumbled to find the said book.

"OHO!" Voldy finally cried as he saw the thing among his old hippie robes. He started to flip through the old pages and a couple of minutes later laid the book onto the floor and lifted the lace thongs from his front pocket. Placing the thongs next to him he started to read.

"Sssstep 1. Find a piece of fabric for a voodoo dolly of your liking," Voldy read aloud, looking for the needed item at the same time. When he found nothing suitable he stood up and slided his knickers off.

"Thessse will do," he said and cut them into two equally big parts.

"Sssstep 2. Sew a voodoo dolly," Voldy read as he slipped the twine through the little hole on the needle. After doing that he reached towards the fabric and started to work.

Some three hours, 11 bloody fingers and two voodoo dollies later.

"Sssstep 3. Stuff the dolly with soft cotton," the Dark Lord read.

"But I don't have any sssoft cotton," he sulked.

So there Voldy was without his cotton. Sitting on the hard floor getting a sciatica.

"But wait a minute!" Voldy suddenly cried. "I can take sssome of Luciusss' hair, I think they will do!" So without further ados Voldy crept out of the dungeons towards Lucius' room where he was sure his hairbrush would be.

Skipping hastily past the kitchen and the first floor Voldy was certain that Bella wouldn't catch him, but alas, his luck was eaten by a pink bunny.

"Where could he be?" Bella's mutter was coming closer to him. (At this point I suggest you turn on Mission Impossible.)

"Sssshit," our favorite bad boy cursed and did a MacGyver dive towards the red curtains that hid the portrait of late Culiver Malfoy.

"Why on earth are you dirturbing my peace, young man?" Culiver asked annoyed.

"Ssshut your mouth, you old fart! I need a place to hide from a maniacal hair-hater," Voldemort hissed and glued himself more firmly to the painting.

Outside the painting Bella had foud Slinky dusting the corridor.

"Slinky have you seen my Master recently?" Bella asked the house-elf.

"What does Mr.-- Mrs. Bella mean 'recently'," The elf asked and glanced towards the black shoes under the red curtains.

"Have. You. Seen. My. Master. Some. Hour. Or. Two. Ago," Bella said slowly like talking to a child.

"N-no, no I not seen Master-Who-Hides-Behind-The-Red-Custains some hour or two ago Miss," Slinky said and bowed deeply. Bella wached the elf for a couple of seconds and then strolled away.

"Hickypoo, that was close!" Voldy said and stepped out behind the dusty curtains, coughing his lungs out.

"Slinky you hideousss worm. Can't you even dussst the curtainsss properly!" Voldemort screeched and bitch-slapped the elf.

"How many stamps do we need?" Lucius asked while putting a red ribbon aroud the box.

"I think 34.5 but to be sure I would put 36 so the present won't end up in Madam Rosmerta's pub," Severus said while collecting his potion-kit.

"Hhmm, yes, yes, that will do," Lucius said and turned to inspect his handywork.

"Should we ask our Lord to put a card with it?" Wormtail asked, fumbling with his fat fingers.

"You mean like a love note, _Peter_?" Lucius sneered. His plan was going perfecto and now the idiot tried to ruin it!

"Well, eh, y-yes, or maybe--," Peter piped and took a few steps away from the now snarling blond. "Maybe not?".

"Of course NOT, you imbecile! We don't want Potter to know the identity of the sender yet," Lucius said and started to levitate the box towards the 20 owls who were watching the box fearfully.

"But Lucius _darling_, our Lord doesn't have to sign the card. He can just write a little love poem and be done with it," Severus smirked as he saw the blond's white face.

"Well that would be just rude, Severus _dear_," Lucius said as he walked away so that the other man wouldn't hear the answer.

Back in the dungeons Voldy had by now stuffed the two dollies and was about to move on to step 4.

"Sssstep 4. Put ssssomething persssonal on/in to the dolly," Voldy read and grabbed Harry's thogns.

"_Dwindlecore_," Voldy murmured and pointed the thongs with his wand, shrinking them so they would fit for Harry-Dolly.

After he had successfully shrinked the thongs he grabbed one of his socks and did the same thing to it. When he was done he lifted the Voldy-dolly from the cold floor and put the sock onto "his" foot. Next he took the Harry-dolly and slipped the thongs onto their place.

"Sssstep 5. Dip the dolly into a fressshly made Pirotte-potion ssso the texture won't rot, ssshrink, or ssstart to develope its own mind so that you will eventually be murdered while you sleep."

Voldy got up from the floor and walked to the fireplace. He took a handful of floopowder and tossed it in the fire and then stepped into the green flames that were licking the hems of his robe.

"Severus-Snape's-Chambers-That-Are-Forbidden-From-The-Students-But-Will-Let-The-Dark-Lord-In-And-If-They-Won't-I-Will-Lynch-Your-Nose" Voldy called and was standing in Snape's personal chambers a few seconds later. At first he peered around the corner to see if he was alone and then crept towards the potion cabinet to "borrow" some ingredients.

"A little bit of that and that. Oh and that too, can't do it without that either. Hmmm where does he keep the Viagra?" Voldy hummed as he raided Severus' collection.

It was dinner time at Hogwarts when weird things started to happen. At first there was a loud crash, which made everyone look up the little windows where the usual morning owls came in. For a moment nothing could be heard but then the loud crash came again. At this point the older studens and the teachers had their wands at the ready. And then there was an owl. Actually, make that 20 owls, carrying a box as big as a little house. Its red ribbon was flapping while the birds were nearing the ground.

"Who is it for?" a little Hufflepuff boy asked in wonder. Finally the owls landed. In front of Harry Potter.

At the teachers table, Albus Dumbledore started to kiss the air and do some very dirty dance moves, at same time shouting things like: "Yeah baby! Shake that wonderfull arse of yours! Grooovy! Give it to daddy! Gimme a kiss pretty boy!"

As a result, McGonagall fainted, Snape choked on his drink, the Hufflepuffs blushed, the Slytherins cheered, the Ravenclaws looked horrified and the Gryffindors were examining the odd box, not seeing any of the weird things going on around them.

"A present for me?" Harry asked in wonder as he fiddled with the red ribbon.

"Uh, Harry maybe you shouldn't open it," Ron said warily.

"Why not, Ron?" Harry muttered as he got closer to the box.

"Remember the last _gift_ you got, Harry?" Hermione asked strictly eyeing Harry's every move.

"Oh yeah, that," Harry smiled remembering Barry's lovely voice.

For a while the Golden trio and plus some others circled around the giant box, trying to decide if it was evil or not, while the rest of Hogwarts watched Albus Dumbledore's barmy behaviour until madam Pomfrey shipped him out of the hall in a straitjacket.

Finally Harry came to the conclusion that they just couldn't leave the box unopened. What if it contained a puppy? You can´t leave a puppy in the box! Harry decided and walked to the box. He grabbed the ribbon and pulled it with all his might.

When the red ribbon was off the walls of the box started to open up slowly.

"OH MY GOD! This is unbelievable! Who in their right mind would--," Hermione shrieked while,

"MY EYES, MY POOR EYES! This is the most EVIL thing ever--," Ron yelled while hiding his face behind his hands.

"Oh my my my my. What do we have here?" Ginny asked hurskyly between Seamus and Dean who were also wondering who they must thank for this wonderful--

"Harry, why are there there naked men in front of us?" Neville squawked, hiding behind him.

"They are not naked, Neville. They have red g-thongs. Tight, little, hot g-thongs," Harry whispered.

"B-but--," Neville tried but was cut off when one of the naked men grabbed Harry from his sleeve and pushed him to the wooden chair in the middle of the box's base. When he was seated a man whit blond hair and blue eyes put a portable radio set on and they all started to dance around him.

Harry watched in wonder as the firm arses swayed in front of him.

By now the whole hall was watching the scene. _First Dumbledore and now this!_ they all thought.

_If they keep this up we will get rid of that madman before Christmas_, Severus thought while helping Minerva onto her feet.

"Wanna touch?" the blond dancer asked after couple of minutes dancing as he climbed on Harry's lap taking the younger man's hand and placing it on his sweaty chest.

"THAT´S IT YOU FUCKING STRIPPER! DO NOT TOUCH HIM! HE´S MINE! I WILL RIP YOUR HAND OFF YOU EVIL OFFSPRING OF SATAN!" Draco Malfoy screamed as he sprinted towards Harry and the dancers. The body of Hogwarts' students parted like the Red Sea and made room for the blond boy who was watching the hand on HIS Harry like he would bite it off if it didn't move from Harry's hand right at that instant.

"What are you talking about, Malfoy? Leave Harry and his strip-- On the other hand, do go on," Ron said, watching the too naked men bending and what not over his best mate.

Draco bitch-slapped the blue-eyed stripper, shoved him off of His Harry and then grabbed the said boy and hurled the Saviour of the World over his shoulder. He glanced around, sneered at the strippers and then took off towards the doors. With a very screaming and kicking Harry over his shoulder.

And then like nothing unusual handn't just happened…

"Students, students, please return to your seats! We still have dessert to eat," Professor Flitwick announced happily from the teacher's table.


	7. The meaningful encounter

A/N: Heh...been a while cough, cough...Thank you so much for the reviews even though I don't deserve them:( I hope this chapter can bring some laughter to you...Part 8 will take some time...I haven't started it yetand I'm out of ideas...but I promise this ficwill have an ending...I don't care if I have to bleed to death to get Voldy happy;)...or...Muahahahaaa!

I don't own anything.

Part 7. The meaningful encounter with Harry Potter and--

Hermione Granger, the smartest girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,ä was walking down the stony halls of the said school, pondering certain happenings of the day before. She was an early bird. Never did she sleep more then eight hours per night. Never did she stay in bed for too long like the other girls and boys in her year. And never in her life had Hermione seen such a sight! Harry Potter in the middle of a corridor straightening ähis clothes, his hair mussed and sticking everywhere, purple bruises along his neck.

'What an earth happened to you, Harry?' Hermione shouted worriedly as she sprinted towards him.

'Well, you see, Hermione, uh,' Harry said, fumbling the sleeve of his jumper.

'Oh spit it out already!' she finally snapped to her friend. She might have been an early bird but this bird needed some coffeine to work nicely.

For a while Harry just bit his lower lip and said nothing. Then he finally started his tale; how he, the great Harry Potter, had ended up in the middle of the seventh floor corridor looking like he did.

_**¤flashback¤** _

'Malfoy, I said let me down NOW!' Harry shrieked as he was trying to kick his kidnapper but not doing a very good job from the bad angle he was hanging from.

Harry only got silence for an answer from Draco who still kept a hurried pace as he strode upwards the moving stairs. Even though Harry kept on attempting to wiggle his way out of the other boy's grip he had to admid it felt kind of good to be treated like a--

'Malfoy, can't you even tell me where you are taking me?" Harry whined. He liked to know these kinds of things. He did't like the hopeless feeling that crept along his spine when he didn't know what was happening around him.

'Shut up, Harry! You will see when we get there. Can't a guy do his kidnapping in peace?' Draco fumed and squeezed Harry's arse, pulling the lighter boy closer to his shoulder.

'Malfoy!' Harry screamed blushing from his ears to his neck. 'What the fuck are you doing harassing my booty and calling me Harry? This is Voldemort's new evil plan, isn't it! I knew it!' Harry ranted as he was suddenly carried through an oak door into a room that was furnished elegantly.

"The Room of Requirement,' Harry whispered looking around behind Draco's shoulder. It had been a while since Harry last had visited there, but there was no way any other room in Hogwarts could have looked like this.

While Harry kept looking at the decoration Draco walked towards the large bed that was located in the middle of the room. Unceremoneously he dumped his prey onto it and then climbed after the other boy onto the soft mattress himself.

"Don't come any closer!' Harry growled and crept further away from Draco after the shock of having been placed onto the bed in the first place.

'Don't tease me anymore, Harry. I can't take it! It will end now,' Draco purred and jumped on Harry who squawked because he was now squeezed between the bed and Draco's body.

"No more bloody Dracon-Weasleys, no more loveletters that aren't from me and no more naked fucking strippers!' the blond boy said quietly into Harry's ear making the bruned shiver.

'W-what are you doing Malfoy? You are not my keeper!' Harry said forcefully, trying to push the other boy away from his neck which was getting quite wet from the sloppy kisses Draco kept giving him.

'You, Harry and no I'm not your keeper...yet," Draco said in a voice burning with passion and determination. Harry was utterly speechless. His rival of six years was coming onto him? Had him pinned on his back on to the bed body against body.

'Mal--Draco...I...um,' Harry mumbled trying to find his voice.

'We Malfoys always get what we want Harry (Daddy wanted to be a bad boy; he got it. Daddy wanted to look like Legolas; he got it. Daddy wanted Jon Bon Jovi; well he's still working on it...),' Draco stated in a low voice, his intense grey eyes looking straight into Harry's own green ones.

'But, but I'm not gay,' Harry said and tried to ignore his erection which was slowly swelling in his pants.

'Yeah, right. And I'm Snow White,' Draco snorted, catching Harry's hands before the other boy had a chance to scold Draco for mocking Snow White'.

Next there was some struggle. Some very hot and kinky and hot and gay and touchy and groupy struggle.

After the struggle (which was over in three minutes), Draco was sitting victoriously on top of Harry's stomach holding his hands together over his head.

_I'm getting desperate over here. Stupid, stubborn Gryffindor. Maybe I should use some other kind of an approach…_ Draco tought while keeping Harry tied on his place. The dark ebony hair made a startling contrast against the white the pillow.

'Lets make a deal Potter," Draco finally said and loosened his grip a little.

'What kind of a deal, Malfoy? There couldn´t possibly be anything I would want from you,' Harry said, trying to wish his NEW erection away.

'They are made of black lace and I found them on your locker-room bench a while ago,' Draco said smirking in a very evil way as he saw the other boy's eyes bulge out.

'MY THONGS! You took MY THONGS, you evil bastard! How could you?' Harry shrieked now more than ever as he was trying to get his hands free so he could strangle the blond boy.

'It doesn't matter, Potter, if you are willing to 'have' them back,' Draco said and finally let Harry sit up. Such a stupid move from Malfoy.

The second Harry was freed he jumped on Draco, screaming loudly something beyond anyone´s understanding. Well it _was_ loudly, damn it!

'Never ever will I lower myself so low as to make a deal with you to save my Darling little thongs. NEVER! So what are the conditions, Malfoy?' Harry asked rejectively.

'The conditions,' Draco drawled, nursing a mad glint in his eyes,' are simple. I want you'.

For a second, Harry watched the other boy with his mouth hanging wide open. He blinked once, twice, three times. _No, this is a dream. He can't mean that!_ Harry thought while gathering his thoughts together.

'What?' was the only thing he could finally say as he still kept ogling the Malfoy heir like he had lost it the first time Hermione had punched him.

'It's not that hard to understand, Potter,' Draco said, smirking. _I wonder if all Gryffindors are as innocent as he appears to be-- Wait a minute. INNOCENT!_

'Well it's not every day your rival of six years proposes you, now is it!' Harry snapped and moved away from the bed to sit on the sofas in front of the fire.

'I guess not,' Draco answered slowly, making his way towards the couches. 'Do we have a deal, _Harry_?' he asked his mouth next to Harry's ear sendind shivers down Harry's spine. But it was not because of Draco.

It had been a horribly warm day in august. The Dursleys had gone out to get Dudley some ice cream, and he, Harry, had been left to sort out the laundry. He had walked to his aunt and uncle's room to put the clothes back to the wardrobe when he had seen them. They were aunt Petunia's. He knew he shouldn't have tried them on but they had been so shiny and pretty. At the end of the day he had been transported to the emergency room to get the earrings off. He´d been seven at the time.

'Only if we´re going to make a wizarding oath so that I certainly won't be cheated by sneaky Slytherins,' Harry stated and glared at Draco.

'It's a deal, then. Seal it with a kiss?' Draco asked and got closer to His future-Harry.

'Keep your paws to yourself, Ferret. Until the oath is made and my panties saved you are not permitted to touch this palace, 'Harry said, securing his chastity-belt.

Draco watched the other boy in horror. If he let Harry go now without any kind of action he would probably never get it. The boy might be a Gryffindor but under the title he was truly a snake wearing a lion's coat. Draco was sure that the Saviour of the Wizarding World would get Granger to help him to get out of the deal and where would he, Draco, then be? Another step away from his future husband. And then there was Weasel's Weasel brother who had to be eliminated too.

'If you say so Potter,' Draco said nonchalantly and started to walk towards the door, his fingers crossed inside the pockets of his pants.

'Malfoy, wait! Where are my thongs? You said you had them so can I see them or maybe even have them before we make the deal?' Harry asked, stopping Draco's journey.

Draco turned to face his alltime rival slowly and when he finally locked his eyes with Harry´s he smirked. 'No, Harry loving. No thongs'.

_**¤end flashback¤**_

'So you are saying that Malfoy first kidnapped you and then challenged you into a duel but ended up fighting like a girl poking you everywhere with his fingers which caused those bruises and then when you got him _under_ your mercy you _squeezed_ some information _out of him _and found out the whereabouts of your thongs?' Hermione asked and kept staring at Harry with a raised eyebrow.

'Uh...yeah that's about it...yeah,' Harry answered, his eyes a little bit wide, invisible sweatdrops on his forehead. They were quiet for a while, both thinking about the recent event. Finally Hermione jumped on Harry hugging his lungs out. 'Oh Harry! Why do all the weird things always have to happen to you?' the bushy haired girl sniffed holding her friend close to her.

'Uh, it's okey 'Mione. At least we got some information out of him,' Harry said and patted Hermione's hair.

'So how was it?' Hermione asked as she started to direct Harry towards the Great Hall for some breakfast. They passed the library and then entered the still empty Hall to have something to eat.

'Oh it was fantastic, Hermione! You should have seen his face when I yanked_ it _out of him!' Harry gushed, both hands flinging around over his head emphacising his words.

'It was like--like a burst of a volcano!' The boy said as he sat in front of the apple tray.

'A volcano, Harry?' Hermione asked, her forehead wrinkled. In an instant Harry stopped eating his apple and turned to face her. 'Uh...ah..yeah..the information JUST fired out of him l-like a volcano...yeah that's it. Oh look, is that Professor Vector?' Harry answered quickly. And while Hermione looked at (and screamed) after her favorite teacher Harry stood up and fled.

I'm getting desssperate, Luciussss,' Voldy whined. His voodoo dollies were lying forgotten on the floor and he was sitting on his throne, grumbling about the failed Stripper-plan. (How did he found out that the plan had failed? The strippers were sent back by return mail.)

Lucius was secretly glad. After the Stripper-plan had failed he hoped his Lord would just forget that wacky, four-eyed, girlish, Dark-Lord-stealing mudblood lover. He hoped Voldemort would finally open his eyes for _him_ and see what an evil and dark person he was. He was sure the Boy-Who-Lived wouldn't even last for 5 minutes in Voldemort's be- -camp. He on the other hand--he had stamina.

As both dark wizards were pondering their lives they didn't hear the doors open and a black figure enter.

'Me Lord. May I approach?' Severus Snape's slippery voice broke the silence around the two wizards. They both looked starled when interrupted by the potions master.

'Oh, Ssseverus, my pet ssnake. What are you doing here? The lassst I heard from you was when you were sscreaming under that Werewolf. For that I should _Crucio_ you!' Voldy said, gazing at Severus with his ruby-red eyes.

'I'm sorry, me Lord. It was a mistake. But to compensate my wrong doings I bring you good news,' Severus said, his head bowed. He hoped his Lord would be happy because his news were goooooooood.

'Oh, if you mussst,' Voldy said nonchalantly, flipping trough the Daily Prophet and admiring the latest pictures of his mate. Drawing little hearts here and there.

'I now have the solution to your Veela-problem, me Lord.' Severus smirked as he saw Lucius' murderous glare.

'REALLY, oh goody!' Voldy squealed, hopped down from his throne and hugged Snape.

'Ssssssso?' Voldy prompted keenly clapping his hands together while Lucius tried to find any disturbance he could think of or a way to kill the messenger.

'I was reading this book about Veelas, me Lord, when I just _happened_ to find this tiny winy little thing called Law 56790 article 7 which states,_"When a half or full blooded Veela finds his/hers mate they are entitled by the Laws of the Wizarding Government and Veela society to bond immediately with their mate, no questions asked. All previous wedlocks will be declared void and the new one shall bind thou together forever and beyond."_

'Ssso I could jussst march in to that wretched sschool and take what isss rightfully mine?' Voldy asked, hope glinting in his eyes and heart.

_All lies, LIES! This can't be true!_ Lucius screamed silently, eyes burning with cold hatred for his childhood friend.

'Yes, that is right, my Lord,' Severus answered, a small smile flaunting his sickly white face.

'Oh, but I can't possssibly go there looking like the lovely Dark Lord I am. I might cause sssome nasty heart attacks whit my dazzling beauty,' Voldy said throwing his hair over his shoulder.

'Of course NOT, me Lo--,' Lucius started to protest but was cut off by Snape. 'Shut up, Lucius! Me Lord, if I may suggest? The best approach would be via a letter.'

'Right you are, Severuss. Get me some parchment and ink. Pink ink,' Voldy said and made his way to his desk.

'Right away,' Severus said and handed over the needed items.

_Dear Lover-Boy of MINE,_

_We have know each other for some time now but I'm sad to say there has been some awkwardness in our relationship. But no worries, Darling, things are going to change. I hope you liked my gifts. I had you in my mind the whole time picking them up. I thought of your eyes when I recorded Barry's song. That lustful voice is just like your eyes. The green reminds me of the beautiful color of the Killing Curse. And the strippers. My fantasy. All of you naked and dancing like that. Me, with a video camera making illegal..hmmm. But to get to the point--_

_--I'm your Veela mate and by the laws of the Wizarding Government and Veela society together: YOU BELONG TO ME HAWWY! And so, this is my invitation to you to our bonding/wedding ritual which will take place in one week. _

_See you at the altar._

_With deep kisses and a healthy libido…_

_Yours truly, Lord Voldemort_

_PS: As a wedding gift to my new Husby there are these black little thingies._

'OMG!' Hermione shrieked and fainted straight into Ron's open arms who himself was about to say hello to the the floor any second now.

'He is telling the truth,' Harry mumbled, the letter still in his left hands while his right was holding a slightly trembling fork full of scrambled eggs.

'W-what was that m-mate?' Ron stuttered. His hair was flamingly red while his face was whiter than Malfoy's ferret-coat.

'Oh, nothing serious, Ronniekins. I just discovered a way to save my thongs, that's all,' Harry said smiling and put the letter onto the table as he carried on eating his breakfast.

'Oh?' Ron looked questioningly at Harry.

'Yeah, get your things ready, Ron, we have a wedding to attend,' Harry said, taking one last bite from his plate before standing up.

'Whose?' Ron asked, still holding the-flubberworm-Hermione in his arms.

'Mine of course.' Harry smiled at his oldest friend and left the Hall, not seeing Ron faint death on top of his girlfriend.


	8. Can it get any more cliché?

**A/N**: I have made a few changes to the fic as the story goes on. This is the second last chapter...A thank you to those who reviewed and you who didn't do it now!;)

**Genre**: humor, parody, romance, slash, mystery, adventure, mpreg

**Rating:** R

**Pairing**: HP/TR, HP/DM, HP/CW, SS/LM, SS/RL, RL/SB, SB/JP, GW/NL, SF/DT, HG/RW, LM/TR(wishful thinking), TR/some random beach-boy

I don't own anything.

Part 8. Can it get any more cliché?

It was a fine Friday (two days until W-day). School was over for the weekend and the students were allowed to spend the next Saturday at Hogsmade. Draco Malfoy had it good. A comfortable chair under his sensitive tussy, a mug of hot tea and the blazing fire in front of his feet. Life was good…until the messenger arrived.

"Son?" a teary voice asked as the fireplace suddenly flared green and a pale face peered through the flames.

"Father? What are you doing here? Has something happened to mother?" Draco asked as he kneeled down to the floor to see his father better.

Lucius' face was unnaturally pale. His eyes were blood shot, his hair unmade and his zipper open.

"Father," Draco started tenderly. "Why is your face so pale, you aren't "borrowing" mother's powder again?"

"No," Lucius sniffed.

"Father why are your eyes so blood shot?" Draco asked now really worried for his father.

"Because this way I can get more pity from you," Lucius answered.

"But father, why is your hair unmade?" Draco asked, hoping his father hadn't lost their common discount coupon to Pedros' Salong.

"I lost our coupon to Pedros'," the elder Malfoy said sadly.

Oh this was ridiculous! He knew he shouldn't have left the coupon behind!

"Aren't you going to ask me, why my zipper is open?" Lucius finally asked after he had watched his son swear like a common Gryffindor for the lost coupon.

"Why are you here Father?There must be a good reason to call me," Draco said and rose back to sit on his chair. He watched as tears started to gather in his father's eyes and immediately felt bad for his harsh tone.

"Well, I have been made to invite you to your Uncle Voldy's wedding next Sunday," Lucius almost cried while he informed his son about the upcoming wedding of the freaking century!

"What? Uncle Voldy is getting married? To whom? I didn't know he was seeing someone?" Draco ranted as he sucked the information in like a sponge.

"Technically this is an arranged marriage," Lucius said bitterly and continued with shouting out, "and you can blame your Auntie Severus for that!"

"But isn't Uncle Voldy a little bit too old for an arranged marriage?" Draco pondered, raising his cup to his lips, taking a sip from his mug.

"Technically, Draco, technically! You see, we discovered a while ago that our Dark Lord is actually a Veela and he has a mate," the blond in the fireplace grumbled.

"A Veela? Mate? But how is that possible? How did you find out?" Draco was so out of the loop that his mouth hang open.

"It was a fateful night for the wizarding world and me, especially me. You see, it was the night _you_ gave me Mr. Potter's thongs!" Lucius ranted and pointed his accusing finger toward his son.

"W-what do you mean father. You c-c-ca-an't possib--," Draco's voice trembled as his brain progressed the new information and the information he had on Veelas.

"Oh but I do, Draco my loving son! Harry Potter is the mate of our Dark Lord who found out about it by sniffing the THONGS you brought to me! The wedding is at noon, Sunday! Be there or be square!" Lucius screamed but before he got the chance to transport back to home, his son had ran out from the room like a frisky Hufflepuff after an extra Herbology lesson.

0000000000000

Later on the same day at Voldemort's lair.

"Isn't this just lovely, Lucius?" Voldy chirped as he admired his handywork. The green carpet, the green curtains, the green wedding-cake (with snakelike decoration on top of it of course) and the green roses (the green tulips were out at Pedro's Blossom...his favorites, sadly).

"Lucius, Lucius did you hear me?" Voldy snapped after a moment. Lucius was ignoring him once again. It had been going on for the whole day! Voldy hated it!

With a final angry grumble Voldy marched to the blond and slapped him good and hard.

"Now you listen to me here, Lucius Malfoy! I'm not going to watch your mopey behaviour any longer. Get yourself together man!" Voldy ranted to the blond who was holding his left cheek.

"I need a drink," Lucius murmed.

0000000000000

Albus Dumbledore's office at the same time.

"I don't know what I was thinking, Albus. You must forgive me. It may have been because he is the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Annoy-Me-To-Madness-With-His-I'm-Not-Gay speach. But who knows. And now we are doomed! Harry Potter is going to be Mrs. Harry Potter-Riddle in two days and the boy doesn't even know it!" Severus Snape ranted to the headmaster, tea in his trembling hands. He was sure Albus would kill him now.

"Now now Severus, there is no--," the old man started but was cut short by the younger man.

"You must save the boy, Albus! We could hide him! Or we could push him through the veil with Black...to be safe of course!" Severus said, his blood pressure raising fast.

"As I was about to say dear friend, there is no worry. Lemon drop?" Dumbledore said smiling offering his holy bowl of candies.

0000000000000

Oh no! It couldn't be true! It just couldn't. Harry, his Harry wouldn't do this to them. Everything would be just fine, yes. Draco tried to assure himself as he ran through the corridors of the large school looking for the Saviour of the Wizarding world.

When Draco finally stepped outside to search for the missing boy he saw what he was looking for.

Harry, Hermione, Ron _and _Charlie were sitting near the greenhouses reviewing for their history test that would be held the next Monday.

"So Harry, how have you been?" Charlie asked as he went through the black haired boy's essey.

Harry glanced from his book and smiled warmly to Charlie whose heart did a flip.

"Fine, Charlie," Harry answered and went back to his book. Not seeing the adoring look Charlie was giving him.

"You are NOT marrying that, that over dressed drag queen," Draco Malfoy suddenly shouted as he was striving towards the Gryffindores, his eyes flashing.

Before anyone of the Golden trio had the time to stand up, Charlie had placed himself in front of Harry. He stood mighty and protective.

" What do you know about it, Malfoy?" Harry asked as he side stepped Charlie to see Draco who was at the moment having quite a nice fit.

"WHAT?" Charlie roared as he didn't hear Harry deny the accusation.

"Daddy just told me and he was crying! He told me about the thongs!" the blond shouted, ignoring Charlie completely.

"But I have to have my thongs back and this gives us the perfect opportunity to finally kill the bimbo," Harry said.

"How the hell does Molfoy over here know about your thongs?" Charlie grunded, sounding jealous, but of course he was ignored once again.

"B-but you can't go...I-I-I'm PREGNANT!"

**A/N**:The Bold and the Beautiful soap opera is nothing compared to this...more to come...stay tuned!


	9. The Pussycat

A/N: Sorry to keep you all waiting this long But it's finally done and here and I hope my readers are too...(yes you can beat me up for making you wait so long I knew it was coming)

Fae and Yero, Fei-sama, Chocola Emo Shizzle, Xelena and all my other readers **Thank you** so much for reading and commentinghugs

This part is the longest I have ever written and also the hardest because all the strings had to be tied up and there still had to be some plot and not just a list of things that happened in the end.

This part might make you sick but...I aim to pleaseivel laugh

I still don't own anything

ENJOY!

Part 9. The Pussycat.

So this is the last part where all the secrets and what nots should come out, right? You should finally find out if Harry and Tom are to be married, if Draco has to fight over the custody of his baby, if Severus still gets some, and if Albus knows something you don't...

'Okay, what's wrong with Snape? He has been following us for the whole day!' Ron muttered as he, Hermione and Harry walked towards their common room after dinner the day before the wedding.

'I think he has a crush on you, Ronald,' Hermione informed his boyfriend, not one bit jealous. Ron stopped like he had hit a wall, looked at his girlfriend and turned sickly pale.

'Snape? You mean the greasy bat from the dungeons - the Snape who torments us every minute he gets - has a crush on me?' Ronald babbled and glanced over his back at Snape who was hovering near an armour probably 'checking the dust status'.

'Oh my god! You are right, Hermione! Remember what happened two weeks ago? I should have seen it. Harry, hide me!' Ron wailed as he sprinted away from his two friends.

'Did you really have to do that?' Harry asked the fuzzy-haired girl, still eyeing Snape suspiciously.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

'_Oh damn, they saw me and I'm supposed to be a spy!"_ Severus Snape cursed while checking the dust status. He had been following the young Gryffindors for the whole day, trying to prevent Potter from leaving the school to marry the Dark Lord. He didn't know why he endured this hell… Bouncing between two masters, both equally insane, and both loving the taste of citrus. Only Merlin knew why.

But he had promised Re--_Lupin_ that he would look after the kid! He had been a fool at the time but a promise was a promise.

_'Severus?' Remus whispered his lover´s name as he was about to do some very NC-17 stuff._

_'Mmm?' his lover answered, enjoying the attention he was getting from Re--Lupin. He couldn't care less what the werewolf had to say, he just wanted the hands--_

_'I'm worried about Harry,' Remus said and lowered his head to its rightfull place between Severus' legs._

_'You had to bring Potter into my bedroom, didn't you! I can't believe you, wolf. The only place that is Potter-free and oh God...uh-huh!' Severus moaned as Remus did some very not G-rated things to him. _

_'I´m really worried for Harry. I know you' - lick - 'don't like him' – spank - 'but he is the only one I've got left' – pant - 'please?' _

Now, you have to understand that dear Severus lived 20 years in celibacy...

'_Fine fine FINE, I will look after Potter! Now _please_ get ooohhh...uhh...yes,' _was the last thing that is still proper for your ears and eyes.

So here was Severus looking after the pain in his arse. He had decided that the best way to prevent the wedding was to follow the boy and to chain him down to the dungeons if he tried to leave the castle.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

While Snape was polishing his chains, another two desperate young men in the castle were trying to think of a way to prevent the wedding. One was with child, don't ask me how, Malfoys don't bottom, and the other one with a href"http/images. letter pants /a .

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

'So Harry who are you inviting to your _wedding_?' Hermione asked as they had settled in front of the fireplace in the common room.

Harry looked up from the bag he was digging, trying get the wedding-invitations to be filled, and was glad that Hermione didn't faint anymore everytime he or she talked about the big day.

'Well, I was thinking of course the Weasleys and you and then Hagrid, Remus, Neville and mmm...uh Draco if he isn't already invited,' Harry said and placed the cards onto the table. The invitations were in green and had little hearts flying around them.

'Ah yes, what about Draco and the...the _baby_? What are you going to do about it? You can't marry somebody else and have a child with him! Oh please Harry you don't have to do this. You know I don't care about the thongs, I'm happy to give you all of mine, please just...just forget about this,' she pleaded with her eyes as big as Ron's freckles.

'But I can't Hermione! Don't you see it's not about the thongs, although I do love them… No, this is about me finally getting a family! I know we have had our differences, him killing my mun and dad...Sirius...Cedric...but you have to look deep into the soul! The soul of a lonely boy who was treated badly, who didn't get any love, a man who is my mate,' Harry ranted, holding his invitations close to his heart.

When Harry finally stopped his speech Ron came out from the badroom where he´d been saying hello to the porcelain beauty.

'Hey guys, did I miss something? 'Mione, you alright?' he asked as he saw that Hermione was about to cry.

'Oh yes, Ronald, I'm fine. Now let´s go, I need a drink!'

'What? Why?' the confused redhead asked as he followed his girlfriend to the exit.

'Because I don't what to be sober when the end of the world arrives,' she said and opened the portrait.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

The almost big day.

'Who'ssss getting married tomorrow!' Voldy screamed as he happily sprinted by the sitting room where Lucius was drinking to his sorrow. Why, oh why had he let Draco bring those ugly thongs for him? When had his life gone from Voldy's bitch to Voldy's _friend_? Why couldn't he find someone special to share his life with. Ken had Ken and Severus had Lupin and now his Master had...had that cow!

'_Luciusss,_ where are the ringsss? I can't find them! _I sssswear_ I left them on my dessssk. Have you--Oh thank you Bella, where did you find them--,' and damn all hell, even his most brilliant plans were failing him.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Up there somewhere.

'Sirius, I'm telling you we have to find a way to go down there to stop this madness!' James wailed to his friend. They had been watching this insanity from the start and were both inching to get their dead hands to Dumbledore for _letting_ this happen.

'Calm down, Jamie. I'm sure Harry is going to be fine, there's no need to rush into things. Just lay back and enjoy the company,' Sirius grinned and wiggled his eyebrows seducingly. It had been a while since they had last...About 17 minutes to be exact. And Lily was nowhere to be seen and he was sure if he went down there he would get the slap of his life...Moony...oh Moony could be _very_--.

'Shut up Padfoot! It's not your kid who's about to marry Voldemort! It's not your child who has knocked up a Malfoy - Malfoys never bottom! - and it's not your child who wears thongs!' James shouted pulling his hair with both hands.

'Well, he could have been!' Sirius shrieked and "ran" off.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Sunday arrived and with that came the wedding. There had been no traumatic attempts to stop the event so it didn't take much power from Harry and his friends to leave the school for the Riddle Manor early Sunday morning.

By noon the guests started to arrive and were directed to their rightful places by Wormtail.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

The Wedding. The Weasleys

'But 'Mione you can't be drunk at Harry's wedding!' Ron wailed to his girlfriend who was sitting slumbly on her chair. The Weasleys and Hermione were gathered at the wedding-chapel waiting for the ceremony to begin and Hermione Granger had a glass of something stronger than butterbeer.

'You shoot up, Ronskins!' the witch said and took a gulp.

Ron decided to get help from his mum. He slowly turned to the plump woman sitting next to him.

'Mum, you have to do something to Hermione. She is more drunk than…well, she is drunk,' the youngest Weasley boy wailed and motioned to the girl arguing with some black hooded Death Eaters about who was better in bed: Richard Gere or David Hasselhoff.

'Not now, Ronny, mummy is also having a nice drink,' Molly said and drank the nice drink while her husband watched her silently.

'Oh, for fucks sake, you women!' Ron hollored, stood up and started to walk towards the gift-table to inspect it. He didn't get too far before he collided with somebody. Ron was about to fall when two strong hands grabbed him by his arms and prevented it.

'Mr. Weasley,' Severus Snape purred.

Ron lifted his eyes to his "saviour".

'I don't love you!' the red haired boy screamed when he realised it was his professor, and then ran off.

'I'm glad he doesn't. Otherwise I would have to bite him,' a warm voice said behind the professor while two hand sneeked aroung the black haired man's waist.

The Wedding. The ringcarrier and offspring.

'But father!' Draco Malfoy tried once again. He had been trying for an hour to get his way but his father turned out to be very stubborn about his request.

'Just give me the ring and say you lost it. We could all be happy if you did! I even got you Jon Bon Jovi,' Draco pleaded and pointed the rock star, bind and gaged trashing around trying to free himself.

'No Draco! I can't do it. If I did, Our Lord would never speak to me again! And if I can't get him, at least I'm going to take the little I can,' Lucius sniffed and grabbed Jon, disappearing with the man to the next room.

'Well baby, so much for that plan. What next, what next. Think Draco, think--,' the blond boy murmured as he rubbed his large belly.

The Wedding. The ceremony.

People had finally been seated and the groom was ready. The priest, abducted from Las Vegas, stood in the middle of the altar stroking his sweaty palms to his ropes. It wasn't every day you got to wed people this weird.

It didn't take long for the music to start and the double doors to open to let the bride in.

Harry wore plain blach ropes that were very similar to a tuxedo. His hair had been combed and his glasses repaired. As he walked toward the altar people stood up to honor him for being the other half of a holy matrimony. When he arrived to the altar he took a deep breath and smiled to his fiancé who was looking him up and down like he was the next best thing after Arnold Swarzenegger -- who was very desirable in Voldemort's list.

'Dear friends and foes, we have gathered here to celebrate this very unique, as I was told, occasion. The joining of Tom and Harry.'

The pries chattered for an hour about nothing at all and then finally asked for the rings which Lucius gave while tears leaked from his silver eyes.

'Now, if there is someone who is against this marriage they should speak now or be silent forever,' the priest said and glanced around the hall. No one stood or said anything. There may have been heard some drunken sniffing but it didn't count.

'Now if you could place the ring onto Harry's ringfinger Tom,' the man said and motioned Voldemort to do as he said.

Voldemort took the ring to his right hand and Harry's hand to his left and started to place the ring. When he tried to push is to the hilt there was a strange magical power which didn't allow him. Voldemort shrivelled his forehead and tried again but after five minutes he gave up and hurled the piece of jewel to the floor. As he was about to open his mouth and yell at somebody an owl flew in and settled onto his sholder, stretching its right leg to deliver an envelope.

The entire hall of guests was silent as Voldemort read and then re-read the letter. Finally he put the letter into his pocket and turned towards the quests.

'Well, I'm sssorry to sssay but there hass been a mistace. Potter here issssn't my mate and if you would excuse me I have to leave and find out who iss. Tata!' And with that Voldemort left Harry alone to the altar.

As they all sat silently they could hear Voldemort starting up his Batmobile and then accelerating away.

'Prace the Lord!' someone shouted.

The Wedding. The Pussycat.

Harry was very mad. He had been so close to finding his thongs and now someone had had the balls to ruin his wedding! For a moment Harry just fumed but then grabbed the ring from the floor and hurled it towards a mirrow that was hangging on the wall. The ring bounced and finally ended up falling into a flower vase. It went down jingling but landed onto something soft at the end.

Harry's eyebrows wrinkled as he and all the other guests stared at the vase. Suddenly a bright light shoot out from the vase causing it to burst. The radiation from the explosion sparkled to the mirror, creating a green portal.

'How in the name of Merlin did that happen?' Percy asked in awe.

'Look, I think it's the ring and MY thongsies!' Hermione shouted and pointed at the floor where the broken vase was with the ring and thongs among it's broken pieces.

'May I ask who summoned me?' a low and powerful voice suddenly asked.

Everyone turned to see where the voice was coming from. To the guests surprice the green portal now had a face in it. Without shame everybody pointed their fingers at Harry who himself was quite lost.

'Well boy, I have a busy life, so make it quick,' the face said.

'Make what quick? Who are you?' Harry asked and tried to look around for help.

'I'm Pussycat,' the voice said harsly, not liking that people didn't know who he was.

'Hmm, sorry...I don't know what--,' Harry mumbled and fiddled with the hems of his sleeves.

'I am Pussycat, the demon of visual desires. I live in powerful thongs and underwear. You have one request, to wish something you can see in this reflection-instrument,' the demon said and waited.

'Ah, well...my dad...yeah I would like to see my dad,' Harry said to the demon.

'As you wish,' the demon said and vanished. The green material started to spin like a windmill until it halted to a stop. For a while the mirror was black until brigh light started to drain from the frames towards the center of the reflection.

The wedding guests silently watched as a shape, no, shapes of humans started to appear.

'What the hell! Sirius where are we? Stop touching my arse!' a male voice chided as the shapes started to become clear.

'D-dad?' Harry asked with a trembling voice as he took a step closer to the mirror.

'Harry!' James Potter shouted as he turned towards the room full of people.

'Sirius, we made it! We can still stop it!' James hooted merrily as he hugged his friend who was also smiling at Harry.

'Stop what, dad? And why was Sirius touching your arse? Where's mum?' Harry fired.

'The wedding of course! No son of mine is going to marry some drag queen big flaming homo,' the older Potter ranted to his son and continued by shouting to the animagus next to him,' and Sirius I told you to restrain that hand, have to keep up the happy hetero image!'

Eyebrows were raised to that comment all over the room.

'No need to try Prongs,' a voice snarled from the back of the room.

'Moony!' Sirius shouted when he saw who the speaker was.

'Hello Sirius,' Remus said not smiling to his long lost _friend_, either of them.

'Potter, mutt,' Severus Snape acknowledged securing his hand tighter around his wolf.

'What the hell, Snivellus! Get your greasy hands of Remus!' Sirius shouted and tried to come through the mirror, not succeeding as he hit his head to it and fell from the view.

'Eh, Remus. Hmm...sorry?' James tried to calm down Remus who he saw to be near breaking point.

'No need to apologize James. What´s done is done,' Remus said and took Snape's hand and lead him out of the room.

'No wonder Harry is so gay. Now we know where the genes came from,' Hermione, still a bit drunk, giggled silently to her her boyfriend´s ear.

For a moment the room was silent. No one knew what to make of this mass of information. Because the day was already quite weird the guests finally decided to move on to the reception room and have little cake.

'B-but I'm pregnant!' Draco wailed and hurled off his large robes under which a huge stomach of nine months achieved in a week was revealed.

'Malfoys don't bottom, Malfoys don't bottom, never, never, never,' Lucius Malfoy started to hum.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

The real mate.

As Tom stepped inside the room he saw the bed that would be the place they would use for-- He saw the windows that wouldn't bring him his freedom and he saw the chains on the wall...those made him a little bit happier.

He tried to breathe deep to calm down his nerves. It couldn't be that bad. No, he was just about to consume his mateness with his mate. His knees still felt like warm butter so he decided to sit down. He walked onto the left side of the large bed and made himself comfortable.

For a while he sat there until the oak door opened to reveal his mate. Albus Dumbledore closed the door behind him and smiled "kindly" to Tom.

'You know the rules, Tom. I won't let you die and you will give up your magical powers and disappear. Do you understand?' the older man asked as he started to open his purple-yellow robes.

'Yessss. I undersstand to conditionsss,' Voldemort hissed and tried not to look at his mate, as alluring he was. The sweet smell of green apples, salty sea and lemon was starting to be too much of a challenge to him.

While the letter hadn't explained anything, he sure did guess who his mate was when he arrived to the wrenched school. He could nearly pinpoint the moment he had realised who his mate had been all along. And for the simple stupidity he reminded himself to smack his face when he had enough time.

'Now, Tom, this would be much more comfortable if you lost some of your clothes,' Dumbledore said and pulled off his red thongs and, in all his glory, stood in front of Voldemort who was having troubles keeping himself from jumping onto the Adonis standing there all wrinkly and loose skinned.

'Ah, yesss...uh..of courssse,' he said and stood up, his legs shaking a little. He disrobed his black cloak and then started to open his shirt. I didn't take long for him to be as naked as his mate. After he had fully undressed he folded his clothes and placed them onto the chair next to the window.

When he finally turned to his mate he was sure he was blushing. It had been a while since he had had sex and, well, he wasn't in the best of shapes. And oh god...

Dumbledore just stood there watching him under those half-moon glasses. His blue eyes pinning his soul, releasing some weird waves down there.

_For Merlin's sake stop this insanity._ Voldemort's inner eye screamed. _You are the Dark Lord, little things like sex are nothing to you!_ the voice continued.

'To the bed then?' Albus said and gestured to the soft sheets. He himself climbed first and then gazed at Voldemort demanding him to join him.

Voldemort took a hesitant step and then...he was _there_ with _him_. Well at least he wasn't going to die. Living as a muggle was way better than dying...he tried to cheat himself.

They sat there for a moment not looking at each other until Voldemort felt the mattress dip and a hand on his thigh. It felt like pure fire on his grey-white skin. He didn't dare to look up to his old teacher's face, oh no, he decided it was better this way. The hand wasn't that large or overly broad. The fingers were long and quite skillful as he was about to learn later.

Dumbledore's hand had been rubbing him slowly, time to time tangling it into his beard. Without him noticing the older man's other hand grabbed his slightly bony one and guided it towards the erection between the Headmaster's legs. His breath trembled as his hand touched him for the first time.

'Stroke it. Now that's a good boy,' Albus panted as Voldemort took the first few strokes.

_Tom is amazing. His bony fingers sliding up and down my penis. Oh, this has been worth waiting. All these years_.

They pleased one another until Dumbledore forced Voldemort on his back. It didn't take long for Tom to realize what was about to happen.

'Don't even think I'm going to sssubmit to you. I'm the Dark Lord for Merlin'ssss ssssake!' Voldemort screeched trying to escape but Dumbledore crashed on top of Voldemort with his whole bodyweight and thus cut off his escape.

'Now, now, dear boy. There is no need to be afraid. Lemon Drop? It soothes the mind,' Albus said, his dick digging a hole into Tom's loin. And so poor Tom took the candy and let Albus have his wicked way with his body.

When Tom was finally calm Albus started to caress the slim body underneath him. He fingered the pointy ribs and the pot-hole of a stomach. When his fingers reached Voldemort's genitals (dick and left testicle, the right one was lost when he had his re-birth) he started to fist his prize.

Voldemort was doped so he didn't much care what Bumblebee did to him as long as it felt good. Fingers at his loose back door didn't even stir a response and when something _slightly_ bigger than fingers entered him it was anygays too late. They had fulfilled the mating.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Voldemort woke up the next morning remembering nothing. His head felt like he had been hit by a herd of squirrels. His muscles cramped from every direction, his mouth was dry and his left testicle was dryer the Sahara. He rose from the strange bed he had been sleeping on. The room was light and quite roomy. He fumbled his clothes on which he found from the chair next to the window. _For Merlin'sss sake where the heck am I?_

'Good morning, Tom. I hope you slept well,' a voice too familiar said suddenly from the doorway. _Oh ssshit! Not again!_ This wouldn't be the first time he had found himself somewhere he shouldn't. Like the time Sienna had surprised Jude with the "nanny" or the time when he had been in London and spend a night with Hugh Grant in the back seat of an automobile or the time he had accidently apparated in Tom Cruise's changing-room (while escaping Dumbledore) and had had a wild romb with the man while this Katie girl had been visiting her new best friend...some pepper girl or something, Voldemort didn't really care.

'Dumbledore!' Voldemort shouted and tried to find his wand which wasn't where it should have been.

'What have you done with my wand, old man, and why the hell am I here?' the snake faced man bellowed and pointed at the headmaster with his stick like fore-finger.

'If I remember accurately, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but last night, dear husband, we mated and thus you gave up your magical powers,' Dumbledore said and stepped into the room with a house elf following behind him.

'What? Mated? You mussst have lossst the little you had left up there! Harry Potter isss my mate and we were mat--,' Voldemort started but was soon shutted when Dumbledore gestured the house elf to stuff his mouth with cake tark.

'Well actually Tom, Harry was never your mate to beginning with,' the older man said and took a cup of tea. He stirred it once, twice, three times and then added four tea-spoons of sugar.

'Bu-but the thongsss! I sssmelled hisss ssscent on them! Veelasss are neverrr wrong in that area Dumbledore, you ssshould know that you old fool!' Voldemort laughed coldly and munched his tart.

'Well, then I just have to prove my word now,' Albus said and took a tart himself and continued,' don't I. You remember nothing from last night am I right?'

'Yesss,' the Dark Lord hissed and sulked.

'Well, shortly after the wedding had been interrupted because it wasn't the right one you got my letter where I explained that Harry wasn't your real mate.

It didn't take long for you to arrive here at Hogwarts and my office demanding answers. Still no memory?' Dumbledore asked from the now shocked Dark Lord.

'Sssome blurry partsss but--,' Tom said eyes un-steady.

'Ah yes, well let´s continue then. Where was I, oh yes you arrived and demanded some facts. And here we come to my brilliant plan of which I told you of course. It all started when you were a young boy. Do you remember your school days here, Tom? Days when it was impossible to avoid me? Days I would literally stand on your heels? Your veela magic started to work when you were in your last year here and it was making me crazy. Everytime I saw your taut little tussy walking past me I just wanted to grab it and..uh..well yes..ah,' the Headmaster stuttered a little.

'Why didn't I, myssself know about me being a veela Dumbledore? And if I remember correctly it'sss around 17 when veelasss ssstart to change. What happened to me then?' Voldemort asked, eyes redder then ever.

Dumbledore seemed to sadden a little. He sighed and then started once again with his story.

'You did it to yourself, Tom. You started to become darker and more evil. You even tortured some of the house elfs down in the kitchens. You changed slowly from Tom Riddle to Voldemort. All that dark magic you sucked inside yourself slowed down your 'normal' growth. Did you know that Veelas are actually born of light? No you probably didn't. Long story short you suffocated your true self,' the Headmaster stopped his speech.

'Why now? Why in the name of Salazar Slytherin!' Voldemort shrieked, his puberty voice cracking the windows.

'It was the right moment,' Albus said to his new husband.

'The right moment! How ssso? I'm the freeking Dark Lord! Couldn't you have waited until I had conquered the world?' Tom pounted.

'Well no. I had to use Harry's thong-obsession-phase to my advantage,' Dumbledore said and took another cake.

'I knew there was something wrong with them! How did you do all this?' Voldemort asked icely.

'Very easy, Tom,' Dumbledore smiled,'I just asked Dobby the house elf to switch mine and Harry's thongs and then I used a little, shall we say, persuation to young Mr. Malfoy and in no time you were very crazily trying to get to your "mate's" pants.'

'Fucking Slytherin!'

'Well yes, I did,' Albus said and wiggled his eyebrows.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Two days after the sex.

'Welcome to Paradise Beach, Mallorca,' the hotel manager said to Voldemort as he stood in front of the help-desk.

'How may I help you sir?' The blondish man asked and smiled tirely.

'There ssshould be a booking by the name of Tom Riddle-Dumbledore,' Voldemort said and winced.

'Ah yes Mr. Riddle-Dumbli-door,' the man said and checked the reservation from the notice-board.

'Here we are, room number 69. If you need any help with your luggage then please ask and I will call for the valleyboy,' the man said and handed Voldemort his key for the room.

'Pleasse call the boy. I have more thingsss with me than J.Lo hass assss,' Voldemort sighed.

'Marcello!' the manager shouted.

A young man in his twenties walked to the reception. He wore a white collar-shirt and black pants. He smiled pleasantly at Voldemort and then took hold of his luggage and started to walk towards the elevators.

_Hmm, maybe thiss "vogation" won't be ssso bad after all,_' Tom mused as he fallowed the tight arse toward his room.

The End.


End file.
